


All's Fair

by HuideYi



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-15 22:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8075635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuideYi/pseuds/HuideYi
Summary: Malcolm builds walls and Trip sets about knocking them down. (10/18/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: First person perspective of personal thoughts, switching between Reed and Tucker.  
  
Thank you so much to SueC and the Prime-ate of MACHing-ness, Leah. If any errors remain, it's not for lack of trying!  


* * *

### Fortress (Malcolm)

This snuck up on me. I find I am insulted at how easy it was.

I have done my best to keep this ship and its crew safe. Compromising, always compromising, with her captain. It attacks my sense of pride when he won't listen to me, when he won't take all the precautions I recommend. I understand it, strangely enoughâ€”he must weigh diplomacy against safetyâ€”but I truly wish that safety would win more often. So many times the ship and her crew have been put in danger, either because I didn't foresee all that I should have, or because my concerns were overruled. So I try harder, work harder, push myself harder. That's my job. That's who I am.

But I've spent so much of my time and energy thinking about the ship and how to keep her safe that I forgot to barricade my heart. When this journey began, I never thought the crew would break through my hard-won impassivity. I've been rejected so many times; I thought I was immune to ever being touched again. And then, somehow, this ship and her crew snuck past my walls and made a place for themselves in my heart. Enterprise became my home, and her crew my family. When I realized it, I decided I could use the potential weakness and turn it into a strength. I told myself that I would fight for my home and my family even more fiercely than for a duty to a ship and crew.

I deluded myself. I thought that was as far as my weakness would go. I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

How did you do it? It was more than your smile, your sparkling eyes, your personality. I've ignored those temptations in others. Was it the respect I grudgingly granted you after working with you for a year? Did it start there? Or was it the friendship you offered, and I somehow accepted? How did you sneak past all my defenses? How did I let myself fall for you?

I wonder if you are even aware of what you have done. Did you do it on purpose? If so, perhaps you should be the tactical officer. It was brilliant.

This obviously all began when I let myself be lulled into thinking that it was all right to care. But caring has put a chink in my armor, and I find myself thinking of the people I am supposed to protectâ€”thinking of youâ€”when I should be focused on my job. I cannot trust myself to simply shut _you_ out. It has to be all or nothing.

So now I must forge my defenses again. It was easier when there wasn't anyone I could call a friend. They can tell something has changed. They know I'm avoiding them, they just don't know why. How can I tell them that they are a weakness I must cut out of my lifeâ€”like a doctor removes a cancer before it spreads? But I'm not sure if my efforts are too little, too late.

It hurts. And as much as it hurts to close my heart to my friends, it hurts even more to shut you out of my life before you're even truly a part of it. God, you have no idea how much I want to hold you.

But I can't. I need to be strong. And the only way I can be strong is to be alone again. No more daydreaming about your blue eyes, your charming Southern accent. No more wondering what your hair would feel like between my fingers, or what your body would feel like pressed up against mine. No more.

### Laying Seige (Trip)

He's withdrawing from us. Going back into that shell that was so thick in the beginning.

I thought I had made a mark on him, that I had made a difference. He was starting to open up to me and the rest of the crew. He really was.

Now he's back to being distant. Almost unfriendly. What happened?

Damn it! I've spent so much time thinking about him. Wanting him, truth be told. But I didn't want to scare him. Didn't even know if he would be interested in a man. But I wanted to find out.

The strange thing is, I think I fell for him first as a friend. I didn't think that was going to happen, either. He was so damned pompous those first few months, and we got along about as well as fire and water. But I got to know him a little, and then it got to the point where I was proud to be able to call him a friend. It wasn't an easy friendshipâ€”there's nothing really easy about that man. Maybe that's why I was so surprised to realize that I loved him.

And now he's shut me out. Oh, it's not just me. Travis and Hoshi are wandering around like kicked puppies. They watch him with forlorn eyes when they think he isn't going to notice. The rest of the crew is starting to walk on eggshells around him, too. It's like he's carrying around a heavy dark cloud.

I've asked him what's wrong. More than once. I've tried the serious route, the joking route, the sincere-but-worried friend route. About the only thing I haven't tried is ordering him to tell me. Somehow, I don't think that would go over very well. And you know what the little snot's answer was every time? 'I'm fine.' Yeah, sure you are.

If I didn't know better, I'd say he was afraid of me. That's a laughâ€”dangerous Malcolm Reed afraid of harmless Trip Tucker. But the way he tenses slightly when I walk in to a room he's in, and the way he tries to avoid looking me in the eye when we talk...I've seenpeople act that way towards superior officers that they feared. I just haven't ever had anyone act that way towards _me_.

What am I going to do? I'd give up all my romantic intentions if only he'd go back to being my friend, to being the sarcastic, secretly caring man who's so vibrantly alive. Now, it's like a part of him has died. And I think I'm dying with him.

I may not ever get the chance to show you how much you truly mean to me, Malcolm, but I'll be damned if I let you sneak out of my life as quietly as you snuck in. I'm not giving up, and I'm willing to fight dirty. You may end up hating me, but I think that would be better than this withdrawal you're trying. I'm not going to let you close yourself off again.

So how do you go about attacking a tactician's barricades? I think I need a battle plan...

### Defense (Malcolm)

He's trying to break past my walls.

He's invited me to the Captain's Mess several times over the last two weeks. He says it's important that the captain, he and I become more familiar with each other. To talk about the missions we've had, so we can see what went right or wrong. He says we'll work better together if we can talk about our concerns in a casual environment.

I've been able to avoid saying yes most of the time, but twice already I haven't been able to come up with a good excuse. There are only so many times I can recalibrate the targeting system, or claim fatigue without getting sent to Phlox. I had my suspicions about Trip's intentions in inviting meâ€”I thought I was going to be subjected to some "get Reed to talk about himself" sessions. Much to my surprise, Trip actually had very good questions about past missions for the captain and me. And it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, although I still get tense thinking about having to go to another meal with the two of them. I'm still expecting them to start asking personal questions.

How can I shut him out of my life if he keeps being so reasonable? After sitting with him and listening to the in-depth analysis he gave of our missions, and experiencing him drawing out my concerns and the captain's own reasons for his decisions...Well, I'm impressed. I've always been aware that he's an excellentâ€”even brilliantâ€”engineer. But I've privately thought more than once that it was a good thing that T'Pol was our first officer, and not happy-go-lucky, laid back Trip. I realize these thoughts aren't quite fair to himâ€”he's shown on more than one occasion that he's perfectly capable of commandâ€”but I find that I still think of him more as the chief engineer than as a commander. After the leadership he's shown in our meetings, I feel like I'm seeing him with new eyes.

He seems to be going out of his way, and against his own personality, to make me feel comfortable. He keeps our discussions professional, and while he's still friendly towards me, he's not pushing me. Trip has always pushed meâ€”pushed me to be more open, to talk about how I feel, even to just go to a damned movie. I'd say he's being cool towards me, but when he talks to me there's incredible warmth in his eyes.

I can't believe this! Here I am, trying to ignore how I feel about him, and he gives me even more reasons to respect and admire him.

Steady, Reed. You've made your choice. Stick to your guns. I have to remember, it's better that no one touches me, no one make me feel anything. I've just got to work harder keeping himâ€”keeping all of themâ€”at a distance.

### Entrenched (Trip)

I think I've got him confused. That's not exactly what I've been aiming for, but it's better than the unfeeling, untouchable front he's been presenting.

It's not that he's gone back to being the open, honest man I was just getting to know, but I can see him struggling to keep up the indifference now. Just a couple of weeks ago, he acted like it was no effort at all to be a standoffish jerk.

I've stopped trying to treat him like a good friend. I'm trying to treat him like a co-worker, and nothing more. Well, okay, a friendly co-worker, but still...The strange thing is, the more I backed off at the start of this, the more comfortable he seemed.

I really want to know what's going on in that head of his.

He's not acting like he's afraid of me any more. In fact, I even got a smile out of him this morning at breakfast. Hoshi, Travis, and I kind of invited ourselves to sit with him in the mess. Those two ensigns are pretty sharp. They've been backing off the whole friendship thing with Malcolm, too. So we just said good morning, then kind of ignored him. The three of us were joking about suggestive one-liners you could make for the different jobs of Enterpriseâ€”like 'Navigators do it under the stars' and 'Linguists do it with their tongue.' Well, I came up with 'Security officers do it with tact,' and then I had to explain why it was funny: tact, tactical. Well, the jokes didn't make Malcolm smile, but having to explain myself did. I think my heart literally skipped a beat of two. It's been too long since I've seen that gorgeous, shy little smile of his, and I think I've lost what little built-up immunity I had to itâ€”if I ever had any at all. It was everything I could do to keep talking to Hoshi and Travis, and ignore him.

It's harder than I thought it would be, this "professional" treatment of Malcolm. Some days I'm not even sure if my plan is making any progress, and it gets damned disheartening. But I'm not doing this for meâ€”I'm doing it for him. And nothing is going to make me stop. I'm going to keep at him until he breaks.

### Breach (Malcolm)

Two months. It took two months for my walls to collapse again. It seems cruel that it also took an accident. Did people have to get hurt to show me what a complete idiot I've been?

I realized again today that we're riding around the stars in a mostly untested starship. It's amazing we've survived this long. I suppose that's a bit pessimistic, but the data backs me up.

One of the plasma injectors stopped working. Explosively. There was very little warning. When the explosion registered on the bridge, I almost panickedâ€”Trip was down there. I came close to leaving my postâ€”it was harder than anything I've ever done to stay there. But Trip's voice was the one that called out over the comm, and though he sounded strained, he said he was fine. Three of his staff weren't as fortunate. They ended up in Sickbay with shrapnel wounds, and they were lucky to escape with that.

I went down to check on the damage, safety being one of my many duties. It was very strange: extraordinarily quiet personnel working on clean up, a dark miasma of depression overhanging everyone. And Trip was nowhere to be found.

That scared me. I was sure he'd be right in the middle of it all, fixing his precious engines. When he wasn't, I thought he'd been injured after all. I even called Phlox, who wasn't pleased to be answering questions about Trip when he had severe injuries to attend too. I almost didn't care once I knew Trip wasn't in Sickbay.

I found him in his office. The door was locked, and he told me to leave him alone. I'm afraid I overrode the lock using my security codes. I found him curled up in his chair, crying. He looked up at me and flushed red, muttering something about his people getting hurt and exhaustion.

It was his tears that undid all of my resolve. I could no longer shut out how I felt. I knelt in front of himâ€”I must have looked like a complete git. I talked to him, told him everything was going to be all right. I don't know if I helped, but he did calm down.

My body betrayed me. I wiped his tears off his cheeks, and my hand was trembling. After that...All I know is that he looked at me with wide eyes and reached up to cover my hand with his. I think we sat there and stared at each other for several minutes, my hand on his cheek and his hand covering mine. It had to have been quite a whileâ€”my feet fell asleep.

Trip was the one who spoke first. He asked me if I was done hiding. How did he figure it out? How did he know I was hiding from himâ€”or rather, from my feelings for him? I nodded before I could stop myself.

Then he kissed me.

I've never been kissed like that before. It was so gentle. He smiled at me afterwards, and asked me to come to his quarters later. I agreed. What else could I do? He looked so sad when he said he had a lot of cleaning up to do. He was right, of course. Engineering was a mess. And his peopleâ€”his friendsâ€”had been hurt.

He gave me another of those oh-so-soft kisses, then got up and went to the door. But before he left, he looked back at me and whispered that he loved me. Then he turned and went out to face the disaster that waited for him.

Trip loves me. He _loves_ me. And I swear I'll be there for him for as long as he wants me. I won't put up walls again.

### To The Victor... (Trip)

This has been the longest day of my life. The accident in Engineeringâ€”what a nightmare. Three of my people are still in Sickbay. Phlox says they'll be fine, that the injuries were never life threatening. But I was there when it happened, and it was awful. The worst part is that we were lucky. Next time, what happens if our luck runs out? And it'll be my fault. It's my responsibility.

That's what made me break down. The thought of losing someone in a stupid accident. For a while, I thought Hess was deadâ€”there was so much blood. When they got everyone up to Sickbay and I found out they were going to be okay, I lost it. I barely managed to get to my office in time before the tears started to fall. I couldn't control them.

Then Malcolm came in. He actually overrode the lock to get to me. I felt humiliated. Falling apart like that was bad enough; having him, of all people, witness it was worse. I thought he was going to berate me for not being out there helping with the cleanup. But he didn't.

He knelt down on the floor in front of me and put his hand on my knee. He talked to me in the most concerned, caring way I've ever heard. I swear there were tears in his eyes, too. He told me over and over that everything would be all right, that everyone was going to be okay, that it wasn't my fault.

When I finally stopped crying, he reached up and wiped away my tears. And I saw his eyes.

My Malcolm was back. And he was worried about me. I couldn't help myself: I covered his hand on my cheek with my hand, not wanting him to stop touching me.

I don't know how long we sat like that. I got lost in his eyes. He's got gorgeous eyes, and at that moment they showed everything I could ever hope for.

If I'd been thinking, I never would have said what I did. I asked him if he was done hiding. The look on his face! You'd have thought I'd solved a great mystery. It's not like I was the only one who figured out what he was trying to do with the whole cold shoulder act. But maybe I won't tell him that. He might be disappointed.

When he nodded, I leaned over and kissed him. Just a quick touch on the lips. I suppose he could have been shocked, or offended, but he just sighed and closed his eyes. Then I asked him to come to my quarters later. We need to talk. And I want to make sure he doesn't start hiding again. After he said yes, I kissed him again. How could I resist? That little completely content sigh he has is amazing. I wonder what kind of noises he makes when he's making love?

When I got up to go out and face the mess again, he didn't get up from his knees. I couldn't leave without looking at him again, and when I did, my heart did a few loops. He was kneeling there with his fingers touching his lips; like he was trying to find the kisses I'd given him.

Winning this battle is the sweetest victory I could ever imagine.


End file.
